Give me sight beyond sight

Idle

2007-03-23T04:16:00.002-07:00

It's been ages since ive last posted..i know..ive been too busy wasting my time doing practically nothing.Eversince i started my internship ive been caught up in a wicked trance of worthless time consumption. You always hear ppl complaining of how horrid it is but damn..nothing like the real thing.It is quite depressing to study for 7 long weathering years to end up doing dirty/busboy work that requires absolutely no academic knowledge, let alone a medical one.

However u do gain some experience in the long run.Just one of a different sort.How to deal with various personnel, how to tolerate things ur pride would never once upon a time have let u.e.g humiliation from the senior doctors and much worse the nurses.I cant believe a surgery professor warned us interns in an orientation lecture of the nurses in particular stating they had the power to flip ur life over and go as far as destroy the career uve worked so hard and long for in a split second if they so much as dislike u for any reason.He may be exaggerating, no doubt..but it was enough of a message to keep u on guard all the time.

The terrible part is that this internship is scattering all my focalization on the specialty and career ive always wanted and rendering my future a complete blur..bewildered and weary i know im running out of time and should be making up my mind eventually, but based on what? some scrap work i perform in different depts?
Im starting to wonder if ill ever be a doctor..and if i do will i be a good one? do i have what it takes? and who ll be the judge of that anyhow? well not with the rate of "zero education/zero practice" we receive at uni..self-directed learning is also a huge risk to take..wer talkin lives of human beings..i could never trust myself without solid evaluation..

oh well..as usual..another wicked newsflash of my exhausted lingering thghts

thanks for listening
ttyl all;)

Talk is Cheap

2007-01-09T01:32:00.000-08:00

It always surprizes me how much compassion people bear for the misfortunate. Even though not all of them act right away,most of them have one or two basic ideas about how to feel better about themselves filling in that sympathy hole through giving away money, visit one or two orphanages at most.Somehow,u tend to think its just not enough, u could do alot more..something that would mean more to these individuals without hurting their pride, or perhaps incorporate them in activities that would would bring out their skills worthy of admirational "AW!" rather than pitiful "awww.."

We also should be aware of the fact that talking is not the sole method of communication,we do have much more integrated sensory and motor skills.Why cant people take up sign language for a change? we should these fully healthy, smart and passionate people be marginalized only because they cant talk back? I doubt its that difficult to learn, sure could be easier than german :) but if only it were integrated as much, people could really make a change in the lives of others without making them feel defective by any means.

speaking of sign language, i came across an old jerky video..David Armand miming with Nathalie Imbruglia to one of my favorite songs "Torn"
its a dorky video ..but its bound to crack a smile on someones face;)
enjoy

Alas

2006-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

A tiny breakthrough..Not for long i suppose..
Im just thru with by far one of the most gruelling experiences ive had in my life..written exams.
I never thought i could make it this far,but hey..im here..im alive.Im actually past the "staircase to hell", the reeking scent of moist perspiration and granite soiling the early morning dew's fresh aromas,the fluttering flipping of pages in the agitated little fingers of 1800 candidates sweeping the arena back and forth with the jerks and twitches of their exhausted lips'recital.Full grown-ups escorted to the exams by their parents, comforting them with lame words u dont ever buy.The squishy-squashy threading my way to the third floor, already dyspenic and hungry for air and a comforting sanity ,didnt help me much,but subhan Allah i made it...i guess
.however not void of newly acquired puppy fat, stretch marks, pallor and of course my new friend: cognitive interpretation i.e a long definition describing ppl perceiving only the empty half of the glass.

Time to rejoice i suppose..not expecting much but ill give it a try anyhow.

So,clinical and orals start on saturday..This is where the comedy usually starts.WICKED indeed..
ill have u guys updated just to be able to contain myself in the process lol

laterz

Everyones a little bit racist..dont u think?

2006-11-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

Enjoy the avenue Q song,im sorry i couldnt find the video,the ones available werent all that.Tell me if u guys agree:)

On the day they call my bday,fate guides some dude to my msn address, he adds me and decides to chatter.Considering id do ANYTHING to distract myself from the agony of studies and the stress of exams, i was actually looking forward to getting to know some new face.However,for some reason the dude deemed it inappropriate to continue conversing with the likes of me..heres what went on..maybe im overreacting just a tad(since it was that time of the month when penalties would reduced and i could get away with stuff i usually dont get away with:)

Dude: Hi
Me:hey
Dude: How are you doing? ( and yes he spoke so properly which i found kinda rare these days)
Me: fine alhamdolellah (noticing he had an arabic,to be more specific muslim name therefore could use my own term to express our thanks above)u?
Dude: Fine thank God,Am i disturbing you?
Me:*thinking wow..havent heard that in years, this dude must be a decent one..a species threatened to extinct* No not at all.
Dude:What's up?
Me: studyin for exams:(not going so well etc..
Dude: are you cramming and stuff?
Me:hell yeah!
Dude:serves u right/u deserve that then or something of the sort
Me:*whatever*..err yeah lol
Dude:what do you study?
Me:medicine
Dude:then it does suit u right
Dude:who are all these people crowded in your avatar?
Me:me and my bros and some friends.
Dude: are you the veiled girl and the far left?
Me:yes, im the only girl in the pic :)
Dude:in that case then..have a nice day:)
Me:*huh*? i read that fat lol
Dude:adios
Me:excuse me?
Dude:sorry, dont talk to veiled girls..adios
Me:*thinking WTF,thats something u dont come across everyday, in a country where there are alot of veiled girls roaming around and i mean veiled as in "headscarf" not niqab..i.e u could still see my face, and my personality and not judge me so swiftly and ruthlessly*..Why?
Dude:i just dont talk to veiled girls
Me: enraged by the excuse..i dont understand?tell me why and i promise ill leave u alone
Dude:*insisting* adios
Me: *spitting back in spanish*translation: u aint leaving till u convince me or something..thats racist
Dude:exactly *shoot so he does understand*
Dude:its not racism
Me:dime
Dude: Because everytime i did i regretted it afterwards!so bye
Me:i regretted talkin to every guy i talked to! i got hurt so should i go boycotting them and go lesbian??
Dude: i dont care, u do as u please, but lesbianism is Haram.
Me:*what on earth?,hes driving me nuts..so i start thinking of something provocative..i gotta say something evil like BE A MAN! but that would be totally out of context lol, so the devil hisses be it the real thing or the one inside me "if u think ur a muslim u should think again."..mmm ill go for that
Dude: now this is the last thing ill say..Dont judge someones degree of faith, u dont know.
Me: *shoot dude has a point but he hurt my feelings, he didnt give a damn about it, he judged me straight in my face for something i chose to wear for belief and i felt crushed..thinking theres racism everywhere even between muslims which we've established agggeees ago, but ive had to take enough agony and racism abroad to endure this too..not that day..not any day.Ive been excluded in several job interviews for wearing the veil and ive mentioned that in posts before even though i was qualified enough, that didnt bug me that much..i just was NOT ready to hear that cuz i know its merely a test..life is..but apparently i need to boost my level of perseverance. Would i have rathered him lie and say he had something to attend to then block me for good? answer:Hell yes! or even impolitely block me right away.It would never have hit me, i wouldve figured he thght i was ugly or something and wouldve been ok with it.*
.........................
Later...
Me:whatever veiled girls did to u..(shit im talkin as if wer a completely different species,,this is insane!) well not all veiled girls are alike..and that was racist
Dude:doesnt answer back
Me:anyway, May God forgive u..*is what i saw myself punch in* the eternal battle between tryin to be good and trying to avenge ur hurt ego.

liberty of expression?i doubt..we've been thru enough racism and discrimination these days to create new antagonistic issues out of the blue..why cant we just respect one another damn it!its almost over and we'll all die..we might as well live in peace since no one comes with a "how to become immortal steps pamphlet"

would like to hear opinions.Im open to criticism..i know theres a long bumpy road to being good,,maybe its high time i gave it a shot..

or maybe after exams lool
later

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2006-11-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Remember remember the 5th of november", Nathalie Portman in V for vendetta, that totally caught me off guard cuz then i heard myself shout out woooah its my bday! and the ppl ruthlessly were like"shhhhhhh!!!"

im 23
im OOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDD
Now which clan do i belong to? the girls or the womans club
what a weird transition zone..and worse.nobodys free to celebrate:(
yeepp..studyin is top priority for everyone now id be lucky to get a couple of text msgs hehehe

oh well..we'll c

KIDS Part:2

2006-10-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

Stupid, perverted, eccentric or whatever u may call it, i just recalled another dream i had had a year ago and it occured to me that it couldve been the sequel of the dream i told u guys about in my last "KIDS" post,my subconscience probably figured a mind game would do me good these days.

The setting: a beautiful garden of lillies and orchids which apparently was my home cuz my adorable fair-coloured children where playing merrily, giggling with delight.i was reading a book sitting on a bench and was interrupted by a dear friend of mine, cosy as we were chit-chatting, i felt a weight entouring my neck..some kind of cord..i spread two fingers along its length and in a split second..it was over..all i could see was darkness.i woke up with palpitations and realized i already had my fingers carrassing where the rope wouldve been tightening on me.Wait..theres more..there actual were sound effects and i got my butt beat to a soundtrack lol.

Over Iftar i told my friends about my stark realization that this possibly could be the sequel etc.One of them thought.."mm blond kids..dark dad..uve been fooling around eh?" the other asked "so the newborn..was it a he or a she?" well according to some dream analysing book, a he in a dream is bad luck, a she is good luck..i wouldnt care anyway i dont believe in this stuff.But i laughed at my own assumption..My hubbie mustve found out and vowed to take revenge loooool

After all said and done, i came up with the split conclusion
i must have some fucked up subconscience loooool

ttyl all

KIDS

2006-10-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night, a strange one.I was in a hospital bed after id just given birth to the most adorable lookin creature on earth,thts how it hit me that was a dream cuz my genes couldnt possibly do that lol.I also had a different family around me, which scared me.Apparently this wasnt my only child, there was a chubby blond (yes u heard me BLOND) little baby by my side, about 2 yrs old who spoke to me so fluently i had to double check it was a baby:)i was in excruciating pain, however i had a radiant smile on my face..i hugged the baby..then blank.
I didnt think about the significance of the dream nor did i decide to analyse anything..but one thing i was sure of is that i wasnt ready, i dont have enough info nor basis to start off with.

There should be more public awareness about to raise and educate children.Some sort of organization should gather the best sociologists, psychologists and psychiatrists even nannies in town and let them brainstorm their way to an objective campaign tailored to the circumstances and false beliefs the country has lived in for as long as i remember.No one ever said raising a child, dealing with adolescence, guiding him as a stubborn adult would be easy at all, but if u have no clue..u should prolly be working on that before thinking of having any..
Let's face it, we need to take this a lil more seriously.For instance disciplining someone is NOT only associated with verbal abuse or physical menace..it may work for a while but later u need to be a lil more innovative before the rebellion notion is born and starts to bloom.You also have to accept the fact that they will grow up, they will experiment untold secrets of their own, they will make mistakes(plenty of em) which they obviously know are wrong in the 1st place..No one is perfect.one has only to take a glimpse in the mirror to be reminded over and over again, so why should we expect our children to be?Why rnt there any tactics in dealing with those going thru vulnerable, confusing phases bearing in mind they are the ones we hold dearest.Im not saying its not love that guides parents to work hard to raise their offspring, im jst saying this energy needs to be properly directed and transferred.

Educate and nourish ur kids..just dont strangle them.They were created thru u and not by u so dont control them as a posession.
oh well back to the real world.im hittin da books

Lessons Learnt

2006-10-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

So im losing track of time,track of my youth.mm..so how long has it been again? 6 yrs goin on 7.wow..and what have we learned? Allow me:
1.Fraud:countless times forging the attendence list
2.Greed:grades grades grades...cut throat competition and trust me it aint a clean one
3.Selfishness:Me, me and noone else but ME!(scale of 1-10..team spirit in my country is closer to a -8)
4.Apathy:RULES..mind atrophy..on our way to the top of the integrated animal functions:memorization)
5.Indifference:not much to say here..that would be cuttin in too deep
6.Morphological turnover.i.e UGLIER AND UGLIER
7.Expliotation:your connections,your daddys connections,your distant relatives' connections.
8.Advanced level courses in SUCKIN UP to the big guys..who accordingly treat u like the germs that grow on scum..some perverted sense of joy in inflicting pain and humiliation to the younger ones..no matter how hard they work their butts.
9.Anhedonia:loss of fun in performing activities that formerly made u happy(soo true)
10.Constant whining-no action taken(passive bastards)
11.the "If Only.." epidemic..eventually transfroms into a chronic trait.everlasting.
12.Loss of creativity:cant even find it to put in some lines here.."err..blank"
13.loss of Hope, of foresight, of the "pouvoir de dire NON"
14.Destructive criticism..y nada mas

Theres pleeeeenty of more where that came from..im just too miserable to highlight more..got yet another problem ahead..exams..i never thought id say this but i am scared..and most of all of being beaten by the corrupted worthless system, of breakin my spirit and losing my ambition.Yet another month to go thru..i wonder if i could...

A True Friend

2006-09-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

Its funny how people discover the best traits of someone, right after they are terminally out of contact.Then u realize what a humongous jerk u were.Shit happens, ill say.However there are times when such a realization teaches u more about urself, ur shortcomings, ur weakest crater.They also teach u about respect..one of a new genre.Respect for solidarity, for fidelity, for whats right, and above all for utmost loyalty.Decisions are made, they hurt..they always do..thats when u know its the right one.But quotin metallica:"The memory remains".a vague stream of good..of peace..the sweetest and purest of memories.
Thank u for being there
Thank u for supporting me
Thank u for toleratin me
Thank u for respecting me
Thank u for doin the right thing

Thank you.

CATATONIA

2006-08-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i had one of the coolest "near death experiences" ever thank God,and thanks to a friend hehe..It all started when me ,my bros and the friend were all dressed up to the night all shiny and sparkly on our way to a friend's wedding.Speakers blowing with real outdated music and us all jerking around when the friend (who wasnt speeding all that much) suddenly took a quick swirve to the right and the next thing we know we were spinning 4 complete 360s in the middle of the highway..tyres screaming and smoke reeking with burnt rubber.We suddenly came to a complete halt in the middle of the road facing the opposite direction..yiikkkess!
People started hurling in our direction, perhaps with the apprehension of snatching out 4 dead corpses since the smoke was simulating a reasonable scenario, only to find us in a state of utter catatonia..except for the friend who finally let out a "i think we burst a tyre u guys"
Alhamdoellah neither us, nor the car, nor anything else around us was actually hit:)
the funniest part is that during the life threatening swirves no one expressed a single panic symptom which shouldve been the proper psychological response to the stimulus,not even a flinch.just like a deer going catatonic when being closed in on by a ferocious member of the cat family..and wow it actually worked.Could it be that we werent really scared of death..that we accepted "our time" in solemn resignation and yielding to God's will, or was it that we were just too indifferent..or worse did we lose our integrated brain function and reacted as would have another fellow animal kingdom family member lol? either way, Thank God it wasnt our time, time to put some more plans into action before its too late..and oh, time to trust someone else to drive lool!
end of story in case u guys were wondering:We did make it to the wedding hours later towing the car to our place and letting my older brother drive us there, all sweaty and exhausted, yep not the entrance we had in mind:)

y'all drive safely now
ciaozers

2006-07-18T03:54:00.000-07:00

Hearts bleed in agony and pray with faith
Justice will be served..in this life and very soon in the Next.

"I Assure you,you're perfectly safe here nobodys following u"

2006-06-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

Alas! wer back again starting a new rotation with loads of learning and lots of fun..aaah this is the life eh."eyes roll up"
Mmm psychiatry ,my favorite! Honestly, i was reaaaaallllly excited about this rotation i actually showed up right on time.Only the professor showed up an hr and a half later.Why didnt we leave? we cant.The evil secretary wouldnt sign ur attendance in that case and in turn u wouldnt be granted the glorious chance to pass the test by the end of the rotation, depriving u from 7 precious marks.Thats quite an important figure bearing in mind internal medicine sums up about 1000 marks in the end..nope cant miss those.
I buy time, leave class and have a quick stroll inbetween the previously mentioned parked cars,buy myself a drink and head for class.Class is a term we use to refer to a filthy area at the furthest end of the psychiatric ward, separated from it by a bed sheet used as a curtain.I then notice a party of girls standing in the hallway."The professor didnt show up, why am i not surprised" asi make my way to the ward,startled by a tense grip on my arm..

I turn around to meet eyes with a fellow student trembling amid her equally scared mates asking me softly:"are you goin inside alone?" i replied a lil bit alarmed"yes,why?" the girl asked "arent u scared ull be crossing in the middle of the loonies ward, someone might go as far as attack u" Gosh,talk about cruel.Like that stabbed me in the heart,imagine what it couldve done to the emotionally vulnerable patients,and that only reflects one sector of the society and how they regard them..wait a sec,these were med school students.One of the most drastic problems ever in my country, as well as in several other countries is the notorious misconception that u r ONLY in need of psychiatric assistance if uve totally lost it.As such, the majority of patients present in the latest of stages with very little left for us to do to help.Its sad how once again the stupid rusty and hereditary social maleducation may destroy the lives of innocent individuals ,further more drive them into more physical and emotional turmoil.If it werent for the associated reputation and incapacitating false pride, many of these tormented souls may have been seeking medical care way before theyve progressed this far.For crying out loud wer in the yr 2006 and still call patients "crazy" and make sneaky jokes about psychiatrists turning into wackos by the end of their lifelong career dealing with "these ppl".

"So delusions, a false fixed idea....hallucinations, illusions...major, bipolar depression..."lots of more symptomatology where that came from as explained by the professor."So if i were a patient for instance complaining of hearing voices,whispering in my ears, conspiring against me and stalking me all around..and the doctor tells me :i assure you, you're perfectly safe here,nobodys following u and.."swoooooosh..laughter..

"How insensitive can u guys get towards such a case.It couldve be any one of us and u as medical students are well aware that the aetiology is multifactorial and circumstancial as well!"..laughter recedes into random chuckles."Now as i was saying,its all in ur head nobodys..errr.God i must be seeing things..um where was i" his eyes drifting endlessly to and back from the filthy curtain i.e door.students choke on giggles..After a short period of agitation the doctor finally feels the impending compulsion of drawing back the curtain to calm down his anguish and with a swift yet firm gesture exclaims:"Taha whatr u doing here!"

Taha(patient in the ward): i was looking for u sir.

Doctor:u gave me quite a scare there

Taha:i didnt mean to, but now u know what its like to be followed..theyr trying to kill me those bastards.

Doc:and why would they want to do that?

Taha:they know i have superpowers, that why they struck me with that nuclear beam in my cervical vertebra.thats how i lost my memory.

Doctor:Calm down we wont let them hurt u...u may go back to ur bed now ill be arriving shortly after the lesson.

Just 2 days in psychiatry round and i feel ive realized what i want to do..this is it.Im not sure if im thinking str8,but i know i want to help people like Taha,and believe me there are plenty more.I want to be one of Gods' catalysts in this world,i just dont know if i have it in me..the patience,the talent and above all the shield which separates professional me from the rest of me.Maybe this is momentary enthusiasm..or maybe im just too naive.

A Thin Line between Love & Hate

2006-06-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

"The lovers have a faith of their own, their only creed is love"-Rumi.Of course Rumi refers to all forms of love, the love u should be overwhelming everything and everyone with and not namely the intimate love that bonds a couple in such a sacred blessed union, marriage.

Though the amount of unconditional love one is willing to grant varies from one person to the other, the one thing we all agree upon based on the rules of simple physics is the coexistence and attraction force between the parody; positive and negative, male and female (the majority that is) black and white..and so goes the endless list of earths' most fascinating puzzles past unnoticed till we conclude it with another pair who go hand in hand..or fist to fist ...Love...and Hate.

Could the "too much of something" rule apply to Love&Hate as well?..Have u ever loved someone so intensely that the same energy that fed that spark ended up fuelling deadly flames of animosity towards the same exact person because of some act he/she may have performed either foolishly on on purpose? Bearing in mind it couldve been dropped pacificly if that person however was of less importance or occupied a much smaller space in ur being..excuses for those u dont care much about, hence: keepers..and none to those u care the most about..lose them forever with no remorse...makes very little sense to the mind and much to the heart...a wounded heart..a heart who loved dearly..who trusted..who rejoiced until its first stab; septal defect: reversal of blood flow..its payback time.

So how do we notice that red alert before it's too late and uve already joined forces with the rival forces? When does Hate suddenly surge within u? or was it already there living off wrongdoings to ur heart and flourishing discreetly?How do we kill the cancer? i should know better..we dont..we localize it..captivate it..but its still there.Thats understandable, but why is it sooo much easier for the human race to activate the 'hate" stores than those of "love'? why should we always hate our differences? hate people for being successful..then again hate them for being pathetically loserish...hate them out of spite, jealousy..etc. U love someone for being all u wished to be..then despise him for reflecting the image ull never get to see in a mirror.
We do love as well,wer not all that bad are we? we love for looks, money, success, pity, popularity, social security and how they make U feel..selfish..no..pathetic.

However it could work the other way round.U could hate someone so much that it could barely cross ur mind that u might lead a life without him being part of it.As sick as it may seem, it is true..ive seen cases

well todays post is kinda miserable..sorry about that..but the graver problem is WHEN?
when r we going to learn how to stop pickin fights with everybody and everything that moves? when will we abide by the teachings of God's guidance to us and master our stupid false pride?
time to surrender..surrender to His will not ours.

Lupus brings out the poet in her

2006-06-10T02:54:00.000-07:00

After years of reassurance Aya still thinks one day Lupus shall strike her..and will find her doom.Lupus Erythromatosis (lupus=latin for wolf, erythema=rash) is a systemic connective tissue disease known to attack females in their childbearing period, though it may be precipitated by certain drugs, more common in dark women, and if that doesnt exclude Aya who is white(no offence lol) then the incidence that it is more common in females who have suffered spontaneous abortion might do the trick.no, shes not married..yet...;)ok, not that its impossible for her to get lupus or anything.."impossible is nothing" quotin adidas ad.But shes more likely to be going through a mild phase of the "Medical Student Syndrome"*a constellation of symptoms medical students start manifesting with throughout their years of study in medicine, briefly explained as identifying too much with the information they study and end up thinking they suffer from the same disease they are reading regardless of the long lost logic in the process..funniest one was a girl thinking she had prostate cancer loool..correction u need a brain check:P
Back to Aya, (not a medical student either hehe)who over a coffee convo was casually showin me a lump in her neck, desperate attempt to prove the Lupus theory, was rebuked by none other than myself and i dismissed it as a post fever lymph node..never to see it comin a couple of weeks later..
So she calls me up..a long distance call from the states..yep i was in shock hehehe..and slams me with the "i was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma" what the..!
The funny part is that my info about Hodgkins at that moment was a tad more than that of Hodgkins himself before he discovered that disease and named it after him lol..so ( miserable music hits in the background) i take days of misery crushed by the news before i actually realize i might as well study for a change only to discover its a thank God curable disease..did i seem illiterate or what hehehe..
Nevertheless, Hodgkins is in no competition with the nasty Lupus.Aya takes poetry classes now and guess what her first poem is about..it goes a lil something like this..

Lupus Grandis et Malus

Lupus of the wood
Mysterious ally of the Sun
Let the little girl alone
Don't step her way and
Make her days a lifetime
But if by chance, by mere ugly chance
You glanced her under the brightness of your star
Leave the paleness to the desert
And the redness on her hood
For oh! When your butterflies spread their wings
And draw your traps on her face
And ay! For the pain that stings as your claws
Clasp her gaze

Lupus on her head.
Lupus on the kidneys of her skin.

You can kill her grandma, if you like,
And you can kill her too
But do so in one moment, one glance, one bite
Don't churn her with her blood
And chew her over years
And make her eyes too shallow
For her to drown in tears

The surprising part is that it is very accurately and informatively written, only one aware of all extents of the disease would portray the Lupus so vividly.U could go down in medical history for this ya Aya..bad news is, Girl UVE GOT ISSUES loooool!! i luved the poem though..helped me out in studies must admit hehehe...
Miss u mucho

p.s u should see her fairy tales;) i jsut realized shes talented when she left..could i have been the problem?( shrugs) lol

Positive Vs.Negative discrimination

2006-06-04T04:09:00.000-07:00

Heres a tough, impending q that struck me as a result of witnessing several consecutive yet diverse events.It goes a lil something like this..Which would wound u deeper,positive or negative discrimination?
Now before u hastily answer that, take a moment to think about it.Though the answer may seem quite stark now, thinking everyone else would shoot for a unanimous :"thats an easy one negative duuuh" , u really oughta contemplate both situations..as i said its a tough one for a reason lol.Ready?...ill take that as a yes;)

Contrary to popular belief,discrimination does not only comprise the meaning borne by the word "racism"..however similar they may seem, theres still the incriminating sense of individuality differences transmitted by the word "discrimination" rendering it a "Ur problem" and not "Ur People's/or Ur Religion's/Ur Country's or any other word that symbolizes the sense of Unity's problem.Yep, my point exactly, ur on ur own tiger..up against the world waiting for u to fall apart and feel good throwing a pity regard over ur ruins.
plan:B? "wer gonna clap back wer gonna clap back " says the mighty Rule.

Close your eyes..i mean read this then close em;) and imagine urself in one of the most picturesque natural landscapes God has layed flawlessly onto this earth..mmm..austria sounds good..aahh the good old days..or were they?
U feel urself weightless...so insignificant..a tiny dot amid the impecable scenes and lily scented breeze.U capture the perfect image and close ur eyes while ur brain grasps the exquisite beauty of nature and processes it to coincide with the euphoria ur body is floating in..wow..let me take some more in..let my spirit roam free in the land of the creator..no man's land...i open my eyes..LIKE THANKS ALOT! WHTR U STARING AT? yes, im an outsider u could tell..that doesnt mean u should grab on to ur entire family and shake vulnerably hoping terrorist gurl would just suicide her ass off the cliff..funny, i wasnt even veiled then, imagine if i was.*shudders* yep, most of em have no clue.

Plenty of more where that came from, just dont want to bore u with the monotony.So gurls, ur brother tells ur mom u cant go home late from that particular party cuz hes worried about u catching a ride alone in a neighbourhood known for criminal activity..just hasnt been so active lately but hes still worried..u know he is..makes perfect sense eh?So, although he is aware that the danger risks apply to him as well, he points out its because ur a gurl..So gurl, would u call that positive or negative sexual discrimination? ill pass on that q..not that i dont c the logic of his words..im just way too proud and hard-headed:)

Thinking i could definitely fit in the southern spanish society, well at least the places who r used to a moorish face in the zone, i was quite satisfied that ppl wouldnt stare at me awkwardly, no treating me like a pest, no crap like callin me names or cuddling into eachother when i pass by..mmm interesting..
no discrimination? or more precisely no racism? ...."Cuanto se paga..."
Come again?...ah yes, that night..or should i say day..comin back 4:00 am barely holding myself up and staggering a 30 min walk back to the dorms after a long 2 day trip in andalucia i hear it.."Perdon, senorita.."
I, full of surprise yet thrilled to be asked for directions from a spaniard which somehow made me feel at home for the seconds that it lasted,stopped and looked seriously but friendlily to these fellow very innocent looking passerbys.."Cuanto se paga por favor?" says the guy on the bike (translation:how much do we pay?")
wow..i got too intergrated in the society that they actually thought my loosefit long clothes and scarf were actually sexy enough for me to be passed off as a hooker loool!mmm should we call that positive? me being attractive to perverted weirdos regardless of my cultural differences and clothes? or negative? she must be here for the money these arabs would do anything? or were they just way tooo drunk to avoid impaired vision hehe..
Lets talk positive now mm...Black guy gets the job cause hes black..not because hes more competent..theyr trying to avoid the racial debate..does that make him feel good?
Student gets higher grades cuz daddy makes a call to this buddy of his...student feels unqualified and buddy doesnt make it easier for him saying "im giving u this grade cuz im doin ur dad a favor, now u run along and tell him that". "Oh u cant have the job..ur veiled" final quotation cited in a country with islamic predominance bearing in mind the job required no public appearance or anything of the sort.Lets say u may somehow come across some foreigners, we dont want them being disturbed by the sight that associates them with islam and terrorism.mmm..
so thats enough for today..would luv to hear more stories about the matter..a burden is always lighter when carried on more than one shoulder;) adios

Choose to be a victim

2006-05-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Victim of society..victim of circumstances..victim of lust..victim of greed..victim of oppression..victim of power..victim of traffic..politics..temptation.oh heres my favorite:victim of love lol..i could go on forever, but how many times have we mentioned the word culprit again?None, why should we..wer always right.CUT

So the story goes like this, a certain Mr.A robs, shoots, rapes, kills..pause...BLANK

Behind the scenes..
"DAD'S HOME YAAAY!" runs 5 year old kid to embrace the loving father, with mom excitedly lifting her gaze from the soggy vegetables cooking in the rusty pan to follow that with a wistful, anxious regard..
"i did what i had to do..for us ..for the kid"..
NEWS FLASH:
"Arrest of ..killer....on attempting murder of...pregnant wo.. "
frantic cries heard at a distance masked by the commotion.
END OF STORY
Stereotypical indeed..Movie dramatizes the culprits' life to be a life of misery, rejection,and a lifelong struggle to survive which is so true to the extent u end up sympathizing with the killer, having ur hopes and emotions embroiled in a constant anxiety supporting the evil( who is really good on the inside) vs.the good (who we really dont give a damn about right now...theyve been good and happy for too long its ok if they die unnoticed in the script)
Now dont get me wrong, im not pointing a finger of blame to anyone of the above.Without a single shadow of doubt i do sympathise as well as comprehend the lengths poverty and need might drive one, what i oppose to is the reaction to the circumstances one has to face..Then again, passive enough to merely put ones mind at ease with the excuses for delinquency, theres no progress done in our social structure..worse still, we even pave the way for more crime and chaos for fractional change of mentality instead of constructively and concisely reforming.Work on social, behavioral and belief education for a change..( needless to say by mentioning belief education i am referring to profound, pure faith..no radicalism, no pretence which r a direct outcome of ignorance...hence me not using the word"religious" when i want to, for globalization purposes since even atheists should abide by their beliefs in human ethics and morality)..
reality check: we are still superior to animals..we could still make it thru without the "survival of the fittest evolution theory"

"Victim"no.2:Fuelling Rage.. ACTION

M has absolutely no clue what this life is for.Being a spoilt brat all his life he satisfies his whims with the luxury which he distastefully takes for granted.Then one day it strikes him.."My friend..ur going to hell..if u dont do something about ur propsoterous and reckless ways ull roast in hell!", hisses a class mate in his ear inbetween sessions.

Months go by and M cant shake the words his classmate whispered at any cost.Battling to hinder that thought he fluctuates amid phases of contemplation of life's ultimate secret vs. going to extremes of unleashed savagery to escape in the vast wilderness of repression.

Striving to extract threads of understanding from his surrounding acquaintances, he finds his efforts in vain and mockery which fuel his resentment and rage..

BAMM! 6th terrorist attack in a row..religious organization sends one more suicide bomber who kills 60 innocent civilians while they were going about their daily chores...BLANK .."Its ok , im finally going to heaven" NOT!

victim of his own ignorance? well him reaching that level of ignorance is his fault in the first place..cerebrum usually urges u to read and think and discuss ur actions ..especially when they go totally against the humanitarian instincts God has implanted within ur soul..when u tell them to shut up..ur most likely to be the wrongdoer here.

Victim of Amouuuurrrrrr..looool

S is soo in love with K..so in love she'd just give him anything.Her heart, her time, her virtue, and if thats not precious enough already..precedes to her car, her money .......her dads money , her dads car and so forth..K gives her the cold shoulder just to keep her on the edge every now n then..just to tighten the grasp over her vulnerable position..(note:this is one of plenty true stories so dont be alarmed by the amount of ridicule that can posess a fellow human being..not to mention cruelty at the other end of the rope)

"S, u know i want to see u happy, hes not right for u, u could do without him..without this crappy life!"

S:"i know, but im overcome by a power stronger than any reasoning, its the power of love"

AAAHH BULLSHIT! (sorry lol just couldnt contain myself hehe)

Love..mmm..now that uve mentioned it..can anyone define true love?

I know i cant but i definitely know its not that! i also know this..its a feeling that pushes u forward..gives u positive and productive euphoric energy and still levels with reasoning in a peaceful "modus vivendi"..thinks me(shrugs)..so victim? i totally disagree..i somehow fail to pity miss stupidity here.

The bottom line is ladies and gentlemen..ONLY WE make the society.WE make the circumstances yield to our favor.WE make the excuses and WE could work out the solutions.Its as pathetic as me not practising what i preach, as someone intelletcually sinning who unexcusabley knows whats right and goes against his beliefs anyhow..a buddhist who pleads for war..a muslim who fears not the gravity of major sins , chastisment and God's consternation.If the human mind could reach such hideous extents of chaos, we sure wouldnt expect our fellow wolves fix the damage for us.Its high time we broke the cycle of deterioration.We are our own victims..because We choose to be...

"Too much sarcasm is a turn off" ..lool

2006-05-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

My bro picked that line up from this book he read.No wonder we're still single Aya !loollingg..Looks like we'll still be for the coming decade or two ..don't worry gurl, we've got eachother to pester(snickers)
So me and Aya ( "best bud ever", serious tone) make a pact:

less sarcasm
Diminishing the "making fun of imbeciles" activity up to 80%
Being nice to people( all shapes and sizes)
And buy a telescope and study astronomy..but thats totally irrelevant now.
No more gossip..absolutely nada..(eeek)

Now that that plan didnt last more than a couple of seconds, we decided to go easy on ourselves:

Sarcasm is ok as long as its only circumstancial
We r allowed only 50 nasty comments per day..which should be narrowed down to 20 by the end of that month and eventually to nil..(utopia)
Telescopes gotta go! kiddin..found it too expensive at the time so i decided i should give up my passion for space.
Only gossip about ppl we don't know (does that make any sense to anyone?)

That worked out for a brief period, but then things got nastier and nastier, the moment i set foot in uni i knew this was a killer bet.

U see, sometimes sarcasm is good:) it helps u surpass a constellation of wicked circumstances that, if taken seriously would gobble u up in one mouthfull..and other times, lets face it..wer just being mean:)

p.s.promised myself id be good..unis almost over..that should do the trick;)

Today's Special:fresh new crap only 20L.E

2006-05-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Location:UNI duuuh..
Clincal Exam Day...
8:00 a.m..waiting in herds infront of the secretary's office carrying a bag packed with a 19th century sphygmomanometer(blood pressure measuring thingy) a thermometer, a medical hammer, a cheap stethoscope, a crumpled white coat begging for air which i somehow never got to use, except for anatomy and biochemistry classes:) and finally salt, coffee and sugar..yep u heard me:) its basicly to test the patient's neurological potency yet it urges u to stop and wonder why they wouldnt provide the examination "ingredients" instead of having at least 250 students carrying all sorts of groceries around along with the antique medical stuff.

"NUMBERS 1130 to 1150!!! MOVE IT!" ,screams the plump vicious secretary holding out a barely readable scrap paper with the numbers of the candidates..talk about human rights lol its like calling out for prisoners at lunch time..at least theyve got something to be punished for.Plumpy woman charges an extra 20 to 30 L.E "for the patients' "pourboire" ..and no we dont get to take the test over dummies, no pretence either we're talking real live patients with real diseases..we came up with the split conclusion that its much more cost-effective for both sides.

Now that phase 1 is over with, we now enter phase 2: the barn.The previously mentioned figure enters the stinky room which God knows whatever it was and wait..theres usually not enough space so u see candidates strolling around the balconies, revision notes in hand.freaking out at any stupid joke which may subtley refer to the so called exam.its sad to see how depreciation progressed to utter vandalism to this once upon a time exquisite palace donated by the owner to the government with the purpose of upraising the health care in the land..i will one day post pics of the outpatient clinics( formerly a horse stable)..interesting. uh oh im next..

Phase 3:History taking:
Me: Alsalamo 3alaykom
Patient:we 3alykom el salam doctor (yea right)
Me:Name, Age, etc......do u smoke?
Patient: No way Thank God i quit
Me:thats great, how long have u been doing without a smoke?
Patient: 3 days..or was it 2?whos counting anyway..
Me:*sighs*so what seems to be the problem here?
Patient:no problem at all..ive no idea why they got me here im feeling great (lie)
(common misconception in low educational classes that illness is a disgrace to the individual)
ill tell u what..u offer me a "tea" and ill give u all u need to know. (of course, for those of u who r non-egyptian, "tea" is a common synonym of tip)
Me: (playing along) done..so whatve u got
Patient:(in those exact words) Double mitral valve lesion, chronic bronchitis and right sided heart failure with hepatosplenomegaly..u might as well examine the chest only and i wont mention i have any abdominal problems..the questions could be quite tricky there ive seen doctors tortured before, dont worry ive got ur back..
patients in Egypt who turn to public health care are almost always very poor or have no other choice since its a free service..hence they usually dont speak english..let alone be acquainted with medical terminology..somehow i just didnt bother to ask..

So the doctor finally arrives after a copious breakfast with fellow examiners ..slowly closing in on his prey(which would be me in this context)and asks.."whatve u got"?
Me:spills out info like a 3rd year old telling on his older 5 yr old brother for doing something ridiculous..
Doctor:so howd u find out?
Me:(retarded) patient told me
patient kicks me in the shin
Me thinking: oh yeah ? no"tea" for u!
Doctor: alright, tell me all u know about hemiplegia ( totally out of the blue)
Me:*answers but distracted by patient's hysterical laughter of vengeance*
Doctor dismisses me after a couple more theoretcial totally unrelated qs and im off..gruelling experience..feeling my insides being squeezed out adn much more dismay than before the exam.

So now u see what real doctors r missin on eh;)
ciao for now

Blind men can see

2006-05-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

Its kinda late..i can't get much sleep these days and can't help but think there's more to it than just the couple of sips of revolting ground coffee i had during the past few days..bearing in mind being a med school student( as previously mentioned in detail:))my threshold for caffeine is quite high;)..however i've been getting this thought lately and as u couldve guessed from the title its about blindness.

Has it ocurred to anyone that blind people could indeed be living a much happier, serene and magical life than ours? I believe for sure they are chosen, gifted individuals but perhaps the fear of having to pity someone for being different or even being pitied is forming this barrier vs.their integration, at least in our society.

As sick as it may seem i did, on a desperate attempt to revive my long lost vivid imagination and recover a fraction of the peace of mind i used to enjoy did try to dismiss the fact that i could see and forced myself to walk around my house for hours..eyes wide shut.Of course, me still living with my family, had to wait till everyone was out..i couldnt afford being made fun of nor accused of being cruel..i just wanted to feel how it is to shield the atrocities and "ecoeurant"scenes of this world that we r so acclimatized to that they cease to surprise us anymore and to my surprise thoughts streamed to my head like a lightening bolt..i was connecting stuff in a new scope..was discovering truths about my inner self ive never had time to before..and that was purely because i could finally focus.

I learnt to discover there's a price for everything..not to mention that things we might find as a drawback according to our very limited human scale could seriously be something precious..we just never learn how to appreciate it..the equation will always be balanced..ull always get a complete slice of the cake saved for u..equal to the one given to anybody else in this universe..its just beyond ppls comprehension..me included

Majoring Crapology

2006-05-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce myself, im a 22 yr old med school student in cairo uni.First of all, id like u guys to get this straight, the concept of studying medicine in Egypt is even more delusional than an upper egyptian beating NASA to Jupiter.Its like a cut throat competition to a mirage, once ur there u know u were a retard to go with the flow in the first place and end up stuck against a dead end..too late to turn back, too worn out to start over..not to mention ur totally oblivious to the fact u had rising potential and creativity that got lost somewhere along the course of events together with that atrophied part of ur cerebrum which once upon a time used to remind u u had a life.

Let us virtually enter the "university campus".Its all set out in an open plan..u get to walk miles from class to class which wouldve been quite amusing under extremely different circumstances void of pollution, cars, cars and much more cars..(yes uni is more of a parking lot that is quite far-fetched to stroll around without bumping into something or even get stuck in traffic jams right infront of the building u were meaning to go to for class..i remember a couple hundred times that happened to me..not a good feeling.uh uh)

Well it seriously aint that bad once u get used to it (lie), u somehow manage to get along with the fellow white-coated, prominent bellied bespeculated creatures strolling around with stethoscopes dangling around their double chins..How amazing to see how fast they replicate.and sweat..extremely puke-inducing but true..i wouldve posted pics but id rather not traumatize the readers:)

Did i mention they admit over 1800 so-called students a year?nope? probably shouldnt then..its quite a shocking figure though..multiply that by 7 years+staff members..mm..surprisingly enough they all have cars and struggle for a parking space every single day..whatever happened to car-pooling anyhow..and how old r we again? is it that exhausting to walk a couple of feet to class if we park elsewhere besides in the campus core? so that explains the parking lot theory and the healthy, beautifully sculpted figures we end up having throughout 7 yrs of bliss..

thats probably enough sarcasm for the day..though cant promise i wont be back for more bitter remarks lol..lataa

DAY:1 absolutely clueless

2006-05-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

Hy'all this is me..yep, day 1 in blogger land is freakin me out a bit..its kinda funny though, u feel like ur thinking out loud and have no clue whos at the other end listening to ur thoughts..reading them, comprehending them..or perhaps sharing them.Being a "novata" im not sure what ill be posting here since it was a friend's idea in the first place..maybe he found my thoughts enlightened..or too ridiculous that they had to be made public,:)all i could say is stay tuned, satisfaction guaranteed;) (poker face) lol