understanding the meaning of the little things and the big things in life,the ultimate connection..the vision..penetrating,crystal clear..yet so blurry to the eye of the beholder..seeking to lift the fog.Enter my world..
Friday, March 23, 2007
It's been ages since ive last posted..i know..ive been too busy wasting my time doing practically nothing.Eversince i started my internship ive been caught up in a wicked trance of worthless time consumption. You always hear ppl complaining of how horrid it is but damn..nothing like the real thing.It is quite depressing to study for 7 long weathering years to end up doing dirty/busboy work that requires absolutely no academic knowledge, let alone a medical one.
However u do gain some experience in the long run.Just one of a different sort.How to deal with various personnel, how to tolerate things ur pride would never once upon a time have let u.e.g humiliation from the senior doctors and much worse the nurses.I cant believe a surgery professor warned us interns in an orientation lecture of the nurses in particular stating they had the power to flip ur life over and go as far as destroy the career uve worked so hard and long for in a split second if they so much as dislike u for any reason.He may be exaggerating, no doubt..but it was enough of a message to keep u on guard all the time.
The terrible part is that this internship is scattering all my focalization on the specialty and career ive always wanted and rendering my future a complete blur..bewildered and weary i know im running out of time and should be making up my mind eventually, but based on what? some scrap work i perform in different depts? Im starting to wonder if ill ever be a doctor..and if i do will i be a good one? do i have what it takes? and who ll be the judge of that anyhow? well not with the rate of "zero education/zero practice" we receive at uni..self-directed learning is also a huge risk to take..wer talkin lives of human beings..i could never trust myself without solid evaluation..
oh well..as usual..another wicked newsflash of my exhausted lingering thghts
It always surprizes me how much compassion people bear for the misfortunate. Even though not all of them act right away,most of them have one or two basic ideas about how to feel better about themselves filling in that sympathy hole through giving away money, visit one or two orphanages at most.Somehow,u tend to think its just not enough, u could do alot more..something that would mean more to these individuals without hurting their pride, or perhaps incorporate them in activities that would would bring out their skills worthy of admirational "AW!" rather than pitiful "awww.."
We also should be aware of the fact that talking is not the sole method of communication,we do have much more integrated sensory and motor skills.Why cant people take up sign language for a change? we should these fully healthy, smart and passionate people be marginalized only because they cant talk back? I doubt its that difficult to learn, sure could be easier than german :) but if only it were integrated as much, people could really make a change in the lives of others without making them feel defective by any means.
speaking of sign language, i came across an old jerky video..David Armand miming with Nathalie Imbruglia to one of my favorite songs "Torn" its a dorky video ..but its bound to crack a smile on someones face;) enjoy
A tiny breakthrough..Not for long i suppose.. Im just thru with by far one of the most gruelling experiences ive had in my life..written exams. I never thought i could make it this far,but hey..im here..im alive.Im actually past the "staircase to hell", the reeking scent of moist perspiration and granite soiling the early morning dew's fresh aromas,the fluttering flipping of pages in the agitated little fingers of 1800 candidates sweeping the arena back and forth with the jerks and twitches of their exhausted lips'recital.Full grown-ups escorted to the exams by their parents, comforting them with lame words u dont ever buy.The squishy-squashy threading my way to the third floor, already dyspenic and hungry for air and a comforting sanity ,didnt help me much,but subhan Allah i made it...i guess .however not void of newly acquired puppy fat, stretch marks, pallor and of course my new friend: cognitive interpretation i.e a long definition describing ppl perceiving only the empty half of the glass.
Time to rejoice i suppose..not expecting much but ill give it a try anyhow.
So,clinical and orals start on saturday..This is where the comedy usually starts.WICKED indeed.. ill have u guys updated just to be able to contain myself in the process lol
Enjoy the avenue Q song,im sorry i couldnt find the video,the ones available werent all that.Tell me if u guys agree:)
On the day they call my bday,fate guides some dude to my msn address, he adds me and decides to chatter.Considering id do ANYTHING to distract myself from the agony of studies and the stress of exams, i was actually looking forward to getting to know some new face.However,for some reason the dude deemed it inappropriate to continue conversing with the likes of me..heres what went on..maybe im overreacting just a tad(since it was that time of the month when penalties would reduced and i could get away with stuff i usually dont get away with:)
Dude: Hi Me:hey Dude: How are you doing? ( and yes he spoke so properly which i found kinda rare these days) Me: fine alhamdolellah (noticing he had an arabic,to be more specific muslim name therefore could use my own term to express our thanks above)u? Dude: Fine thank God,Am i disturbing you? Me:*thinking wow..havent heard that in years, this dude must be a decent one..a species threatened to extinct* No not at all. Dude:What's up? Me: studyin for exams:(not going so well etc.. Dude: are you cramming and stuff? Me:hell yeah! Dude:serves u right/u deserve that then or something of the sort Me:*whatever*..err yeah lol Dude:what do you study? Me:medicine Dude:then it does suit u right Dude:who are all these people crowded in your avatar? Me:me and my bros and some friends. Dude: are you the veiled girl and the far left? Me:yes, im the only girl in the pic :) Dude:in that case then..have a nice day:) Me:*huh*? i read that fat lol Dude:adios Me:excuse me? Dude:sorry, dont talk to veiled girls..adios Me:*thinking WTF,thats something u dont come across everyday, in a country where there are alot of veiled girls roaming around and i mean veiled as in "headscarf" not niqab..i.e u could still see my face, and my personality and not judge me so swiftly and ruthlessly*..Why? Dude:i just dont talk to veiled girls Me: enraged by the excuse..i dont understand?tell me why and i promise ill leave u alone Dude:*insisting* adios Me: *spitting back in spanish*translation: u aint leaving till u convince me or something..thats racist Dude:exactly *shoot so he does understand* Dude:its not racism Me:dime Dude: Because everytime i did i regretted it afterwards!so bye Me:i regretted talkin to every guy i talked to! i got hurt so should i go boycotting them and go lesbian?? Dude: i dont care, u do as u please, but lesbianism is Haram. Me:*what on earth?,hes driving me nuts..so i start thinking of something provocative..i gotta say something evil like BE A MAN! but that would be totally out of context lol, so the devil hisses be it the real thing or the one inside me "if u think ur a muslim u should think again."..mmm ill go for that Dude: now this is the last thing ill say..Dont judge someones degree of faith, u dont know. Me: *shoot dude has a point but he hurt my feelings, he didnt give a damn about it, he judged me straight in my face for something i chose to wear for belief and i felt crushed..thinking theres racism everywhere even between muslims which we've established agggeees ago, but ive had to take enough agony and racism abroad to endure this too..not that day..not any day.Ive been excluded in several job interviews for wearing the veil and ive mentioned that in posts before even though i was qualified enough, that didnt bug me that much..i just was NOT ready to hear that cuz i know its merely a test..life is..but apparently i need to boost my level of perseverance. Would i have rathered him lie and say he had something to attend to then block me for good? answer:Hell yes! or even impolitely block me right away.It would never have hit me, i wouldve figured he thght i was ugly or something and wouldve been ok with it.* ......................... Later... Me:whatever veiled girls did to u..(shit im talkin as if wer a completely different species,,this is insane!) well not all veiled girls are alike..and that was racist Dude:doesnt answer back Me:anyway, May God forgive u..*is what i saw myself punch in* the eternal battle between tryin to be good and trying to avenge ur hurt ego.
liberty of expression?i doubt..we've been thru enough racism and discrimination these days to create new antagonistic issues out of the blue..why cant we just respect one another damn it!its almost over and we'll all die..we might as well live in peace since no one comes with a "how to become immortal steps pamphlet"
would like to hear opinions.Im open to criticism..i know theres a long bumpy road to being good,,maybe its high time i gave it a shot..
"Remember remember the 5th of november", Nathalie Portman in V for vendetta, that totally caught me off guard cuz then i heard myself shout out woooah its my bday! and the ppl ruthlessly were like"shhhhhhh!!!"
im 23 im OOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDD Now which clan do i belong to? the girls or the womans club what a weird transition zone..and worse.nobodys free to celebrate:( yeepp..studyin is top priority for everyone now id be lucky to get a couple of text msgs hehehe
Stupid, perverted, eccentric or whatever u may call it, i just recalled another dream i had had a year ago and it occured to me that it couldve been the sequel of the dream i told u guys about in my last "KIDS" post,my subconscience probably figured a mind game would do me good these days.
The setting: a beautiful garden of lillies and orchids which apparently was my home cuz my adorable fair-coloured children where playing merrily, giggling with delight.i was reading a book sitting on a bench and was interrupted by a dear friend of mine, cosy as we were chit-chatting, i felt a weight entouring my neck..some kind of cord..i spread two fingers along its length and in a split second..it was over..all i could see was darkness.i woke up with palpitations and realized i already had my fingers carrassing where the rope wouldve been tightening on me.Wait..theres more..there actual were sound effects and i got my butt beat to a soundtrack lol.
Over Iftar i told my friends about my stark realization that this possibly could be the sequel etc.One of them thought.."mm blond kids..dark dad..uve been fooling around eh?" the other asked "so the newborn..was it a he or a she?" well according to some dream analysing book, a he in a dream is bad luck, a she is good luck..i wouldnt care anyway i dont believe in this stuff.But i laughed at my own assumption..My hubbie mustve found out and vowed to take revenge loooool
After all said and done, i came up with the split conclusion i must have some fucked up subconscience loooool
I had a dream last night, a strange one.I was in a hospital bed after id just given birth to the most adorable lookin creature on earth,thts how it hit me that was a dream cuz my genes couldnt possibly do that lol.I also had a different family around me, which scared me.Apparently this wasnt my only child, there was a chubby blond (yes u heard me BLOND) little baby by my side, about 2 yrs old who spoke to me so fluently i had to double check it was a baby:)i was in excruciating pain, however i had a radiant smile on my face..i hugged the baby..then blank. I didnt think about the significance of the dream nor did i decide to analyse anything..but one thing i was sure of is that i wasnt ready, i dont have enough info nor basis to start off with.
There should be more public awareness about to raise and educate children.Some sort of organization should gather the best sociologists, psychologists and psychiatrists even nannies in town and let them brainstorm their way to an objective campaign tailored to the circumstances and false beliefs the country has lived in for as long as i remember.No one ever said raising a child, dealing with adolescence, guiding him as a stubborn adult would be easy at all, but if u have no clue..u should prolly be working on that before thinking of having any.. Let's face it, we need to take this a lil more seriously.For instance disciplining someone is NOT only associated with verbal abuse or physical menace..it may work for a while but later u need to be a lil more innovative before the rebellion notion is born and starts to bloom.You also have to accept the fact that they will grow up, they will experiment untold secrets of their own, they will make mistakes(plenty of em) which they obviously know are wrong in the 1st place..No one is perfect.one has only to take a glimpse in the mirror to be reminded over and over again, so why should we expect our children to be?Why rnt there any tactics in dealing with those going thru vulnerable, confusing phases bearing in mind they are the ones we hold dearest.Im not saying its not love that guides parents to work hard to raise their offspring, im jst saying this energy needs to be properly directed and transferred.
Educate and nourish ur kids..just dont strangle them.They were created thru u and not by u so dont control them as a posession. oh well back to the real world.im hittin da books